Wow, haven't been on here in forever.
So much has happened.
So much that, I don't even want to take the time to type it all out. It's so ridiculous. I'm so exhausted.
Needless to say, today was a really, really good day. B came with to the cook out.. at dads. It went surprisingly well. Really well, infact. Almost too well.
Bad news for me.
Seeing him with my family, him actually liking my family, and my family actually liking him, makes me want him even more.
New baby is here. Leigha. Funny how that's her name, eh? Whatever. She is adorable. =]
So is my baby Lex. =]
Just as I last updated, I laid down to take a nap before the party.
Guess who calls me and tells me he's coming over? B.
Yes, B. And Today this morning I got home from the party around ten in the morning and went back to bed after no sleep and drinking all night. at noon guess who is calling and texting me they are stopping by? B.
Ugh wtf is going on.
I just blew him off today though. He dropped me off and went and did some shit, then said he would come back to get me later. Well, guess who comes first and changes all the plans. R!! yes. So hes at her house asking me if i want to chill with him and her and some other people. I said no not really i dont feel like hanging out with a ton of people. Then hes like well then it will just be me you and her and we will go back to the house and just chill. I said no I dont really want to hang out with you and her both either. (together.) Hes like wow okay whatever dude. And then she texted me from his phone saying so you really dont want to hang out with us then? why and I texted her phone back because I dont want to be in the middle of an awkward situation. and she goes oh? i go ya. and That was that. Whatever, he can do whatever with her. I'm not hanging out with both of them together. How fucking awkward. For me.
I'm done with B. Theres just too much drama there. Him and R are going to get back together, I know it. He wants her and lies to me about it and says he doesnt then flirts with me, and then goes and does and says shit to her that pisses me off. But he isn't mine so I have no say I guess. Whatever, it is what it is. Haven't talked to him in like two or three days. Its all about Ra now. I'm not going to get all upset about it. I'm done with it. And I'm done talking about it.
Just got off work. Walked home after a 5 hour shift of constant running around. 45 minute walk, feet killing and horrible shoes, I just went barefoot. So now it feels like my feet are bleeding ha. Oh well. I'm waiting until 8 when Bn gets off work, then he's going to come get me and I'm staying there tonight. We're going to have a few people at his place and just drink and chill. I'm excited =].
Then he works in the morning and I guess I'm just going to chill there until I wake up ha. I dont know, haven't figured that out yet. We'll see.
But other than that, I need to get school shit done. Mom wants to move. I'm trying not to. Ugh. Who knows.
I might take a nap until he picks me up
i dont really feel like updating.
but for the sake of my bff.
here we go.
hung out with b and t today. long story short.
b is talking to r again, i know he wants her back but wont admit it. he was flirting with me tonight. after he wanted to hang out with her and was going to have me drop them off if she couldve given them a ride home. what a friend, right? i was pissed. whatever.
then he was texting her off my phone and deleting what he said before he gave it back to me. i got PISSED.
then after i dropped L off I drove him home and we were fine again and he was flirting and talking about us and shit.
messing around saying i didnt want him and blah blah.
so i told him i DO want you. and he was like lol mmhmm and i was like im being serious. and he was like okay lol and i was like but youre confusing me. and he was like its what i do best. and im like well stop. you need to make up your mind. an dhe wa slike about what and i was like you want me, then you dont. then you do, then you dont. and he was like i do that with anyone i do stuff with. its so i dont get too attached. and i was like so were not doing anything anymore? and he was like didnt say that. but its on you. and i was like how is it on me when im the one who wants to all the time and youre the one holding back?
i think this is what im going to do.
im not going to talk to him as much or hang out with him. if we have sex here and there, whatever. but im going to try and detach myself, because im definately already too attached.
sorry for my horrible spelling and typo's.
but i dont really care tonight ha.
I'm so confused.
If he likes her, why am I still trying.
I'm going to try and detatch myself.
Meaning I'm not going to have sex with him if he wants someone else.
I dont know about anything anymore.
And i'm pretty sure Re is still with his girlfriend. Why can't one of the guys I like be interested in me and not another girl?
Fuck my life.
I have no luck with boys.
B is being a bitch. Total turn around from the other night. Asshole. But anyways, screw it. Today I got off work at one and drove my mom, then i went to get M and L. Drove M to work, that bitch. Then we went back to their house and I babysat for awhile until my brother got home. Then I went to pick up T and went back to my house so I could change and get dressed and do my makeup and everything. Look somewhat presentable. Then we went to the strip mall. Then we went to the bigger mall. Then we came back and got money from his grandpa then went to eat. Then we went back to racine and hung out with K, and this guy R. We stayed until like nine then came back and I dropped him off and shit. It was a fun day I guess. I wish things would have gone differently, but it's whatever. I'm not going to freak out about B. I dont know what his problem is. When he wants to talk, he knows my number. Whatever. I"m not calling or texting him. Sigh. Anyways.
im just tired. im going to watch greys then go to bed.
Have to get up at 2 to pick up mom.
Tomorrow after work I'm taking T and his friend C and maybe K? to the movies for his birthday. I'm only paying for T though ha. Fuck that shit. Then I think I'm going to Bri.'s house to chill and just get fucked up. Then sat is supposed to be T's party. Which, B has to talk to me because im sure he wants me to be his ride. Whatever. Ass.
Ugh not really in a good mood anymore.
Well boys and girls, I was right. I knew I was going to get attached to B more once we had sex. He is romantic and does all those little things right. It's hard not to be attracted to him. I dont really know what I'm doing. Just going with it I think. He's like, my second best friend. I talk to him atleast twice every day. He calls me at night and one of us will fall asleep on the phone. He texts me all day every day. I think he doesn't want to admit that he is attached to me too because its too much like just friends. I also know that his heart is still with someone else.. R, and that nothing would ever happen emotionally while its like that. So I'm just going to wait and see what happens with that. But now we started getting physical and I want it. I want him. Bad. All the time. And I want to hang out with him all the time. I was supposed to today but my mom ended up leaving to bring L to a water park. She still isnt back. She better come back tonight though, I work in the morning and I need the car ha. So T and B are trying to do something tomorrow now. Which is fine. I like hanging out with both of them. It's really fun, But I can't be with B when T is there. No one can know there is anything going on. I dont even know what is going on. I just know I like him. Like, in that like like way. And I mean, he texts me all day every day, calls me at night, when I try not to seem too .."clingy" (it's the closest word I can get to since we aren't actually.. anything. But thats kind of what I mean. So I'm not on his nuts.) And he will just text me to talk to me, about nothing. Just as long as I text back. If I don't say something for a certain amount of time he will keep texting and resending what he says. And he got drunk tonight and texted me just to tell me that he was drunk and stuff. And I'm assuming when he gets home hes going to call me. I dont know.
Anyways. Last night? or the night before, I can't remember. I think it was last night. I went there and we ended up hanging out after he got off work. We were just talking and laughing and we went to this park out in the middle of the woods in like this hugly secluded area. We were having a good time. We had sex on the picnic table. Woot, first public escapade. Lmao. We still didn't keep going because of the condom thing. But the best friends argues a good point, if he had anything, I would have gotten it by now anyways. And I'm on bc, so what does it even matter. I trust him. He isn't fucking anyone but me. I told him that and he was excited. All "so next time I dont have to stop?" lol no, B. You don't. I didn't ever want you to before but you had to.
Problem being.. well not really a problem at all, actually. He's big. Really big. (not to brag ha), but like, hurts the first time he goes in and makes me bleed still. And he "hasn't even started on me" yet, cause we haven't kept going. So I'm kind of nervous that he's going to tear my shit up. But I'm excited because I already love it with him ha. That could be another problem. It's better with him that it was D. It's more.. passionate. Even though we haven't kept going yet. Still. It just feels .. right. good. I dont know.
I know its a bad thing.
But I can't help it.
And I'm not going to stop.
Because I know the sex is going to be BEYOND great.
We started to have sex.
Didn't finish because of the whole condom thing. Long story.
But I liked it.
I like him.
I want him.
I'm slowly getting over it. I don't feel so hurt or sad or angry anymore. I'm getting back used to not talking to him or having him in my life. It's so much nicer without him. I'm actually glad we're done. I'm not glad how it ended, or what he did. But I'm glad he is done. He is out of my life for good, but I know he is going to come crawling back in a few months. He is going to apologize and tell me he was stupid and wants me back. And I'm going to talk to him like a complete stranger would, and I'm going to tell him I don't want him in my life. And that is going to be it. He is going to leave me alone and live his miserable life, doing whatever he wants. He is going to think about me every god damn day and regret everything. And I'm going to go through each day not even giving him a second thought, living my life and starting new.
I am confident I can do this, I've already stopped thinking about him. I actually thought about how I don't think about him anymore. Funny how things work out, huh?
I'm scared to do anything with B. He keeps telling me that he wants me. In the physical sense, anyway. He told me he is attracted to me physically and he is attracted to my personality. He said he wants to fuck me and can't wait and started telling me all the things he wants to do to me and just, stuff like that.
The only thing I regret with D is how he took something from me that I can never get back. And how it didn't mean a damn thing. And how he treated me after. How he used me for sex and then dumped me on my ass all over again. It wasn't special, he didnt even try to make it even the least bit romantic. It just.. was. And thats it.
What I'm afraid of is, I don't want to do anything with B and have it actually mean something more than it really does. I don't even know what it really is between us. Just friends with benefits? I'm afraid its going to mean something this time though because he is sweet and caring and the perfect guy. That is the problem. He is like my best guy friend. And he is the perfect guy, and has all the potential to be more. Its the fact that I know he could never be more. He isn't mine. And I'm afraid this is going to get me attached and hurt because of what it cant be.
Not to mention all the people I would hurt in the process.
Confused. tell me what to do. =\